I know planned to reveal the infamous Mabel Incident in my last post, unfortunately my informant Gellar and I were forced to go underground for the last three years. Fortunately, we managed to capture one of the Harvest Team operatives who were sent to silence us, a man called Edward Snowden, and reprogram him to believe he was a muckraker against the NSA.
Seriously, people? The government surveying everyone on the internet? Let's focus on reality, shall we?
And that is, of course, the cover-up of the walking dead. And that, not the Mabel Incident, is going to be the subject of our attempts to save humanity from the revenant menace tonight.
Neil deGrasse Tyson spoke tonight on John Stewart's The Daily Show, trying to convince people that the undead menace is a scientific impossibility.
Neil deGrasse Tyson is not the man you all think he is. Gellar knows him very well.
The real Neil deGrasse Tyson was killed by a Mossad assassin on Febuary 18th, 2004. The Mossad's motives are so far unknown by my informant, but the government, namely Harvest Team, saw an opportunity. Using sophisticated body grafting procedures patented by DARPA, they took one of their top intelligence operatives, former NFL player James Parrish, and turned him into a perfect body double of Mister deGrasse Tyson.
The purpose of this was two-fold: One, to create science-based news stories to distract the press from revenent incidents (The "Pluto isn't a Planet" thing? That was to distract from an infestation in Saitama, Japan), and to use his status to promote funding from NASA (said funding would, through a complicated series of riders and amendments, go to Harvest Team).
Knowing that we were about to re-emerge from our radio silence, they sent Neil on the Daily Show to try to call revenants pure fiction, to try to discredit us pre-emptively. And also to make people look the other way while a particularly large equipment cache was sent to Area 51. We don't know exactly what's in the cache (yet), but we'll look into it.
James, we saw. We know. We will not stop telling people the truth.
NEXT: The Mabel Incident
